Of Dissection and Common Ground
by Diary
Summary: AU. Petunia and Sirius have detention together. Complete. Edited slightly.


Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter.

* * *

"Miss Evans, would you care to explain why you removed three of Mister Black's organs?"

Resisting the urge to roll her eyes, Petunia points out, "I didn't remove any of the _vital_ ones, Professor."

Sirius Black had accidentally hit Lily with a tickling curse when they were at King's Cross; of course, she knows he, for all his deviant ways, hadn't done it on purpose. One of the very, very few good things she can say about him is that he treats muggles properly.

However, he had scared her parents, and Lily had ended up- not making it to the toilets in time. It'd been easy enough to take care of the physical mess, but emotionally, her little sister had been very fragile.

The inconsiderate Gryffindor shouldn't have been slinging curses around in the first place.

"Miss Evans, you attacked a student from behind, restrained him, and performed unauthorised surgery without consent or any sort of numbing agents!"

Biting her tongue, Petunia resists the urge to point out Professor Dimitri performs experiments on students' pets without either all the time. She'd greatly like to see his employment terminated. At least, she had a good reason for her actions.

"Now, now," Slughorn says, gently, patting an irate McGonagall, "obviously, Miss Evans committed a gross violation of several rules, but Sirius bears no hard feelings."

Petunia imagines he does; she'll probably find her diary or her favourite undergarments missing when she goes back to her dorm. If he can't find a way into the Ravenclaw tower, he'll spread vile rumours.

She doesn't regret it.

Sirius Black has been a plague on this school since first year, and lately, he's gotten even worse. Aside from accidentally cursing Lily, he's picked another fight with Severus (who may be a horrid boy, but he is Lily's best mate), set off dungbombs on the train, and insulted her new dress robes. She was quite proud of them, too, and foolishly believed her parents and little sister when they said she'd done an excellent job at making them.

"Well," the deputy headmistress says, grimly, "be that as it may, what you did was completely unacceptable. You will sit in here and wait until Professor Flitwick and Headmaster Dumbledore return."

"Yes, ma'am," Petunia answers, sighing. "May I get my homework?"

She'd wanted to do it, and then, try out the new nail polish she'd bought in Hogsmeade. It's supposed to magically adjust itself to complement her outfit. If there was enough time, she also wanted to try to make a hair-changing potion.

…

Looking at the clock, Petunia sighs. Her homework's done, and she's bored and worried about her parents.

They're going to cancel her allowance for sure, but they might do worse. When she was little, she performed surgery on Mitzi, _her_ cat, in order to see if her insides looked like the diagrams in the book she'd gotten from the library. Mitzi had been fine -Petunia isn't a psychopath who tortures animals- but they hadn't focused on that. Instead, they took away her library card, refused to let her be in the same room with Mitzi, and she'd heard them talking about taking her to see someone.

Petunia had been so proud of herself, too, for applying the homemade anaesthetic correctly and for making such beautiful stitches.

"Hey, Evans," Black hisses, startling her.

She looks over to see his head poked in the doorway. "White flag, yeah?"

Rolling her eyes, she simply nods. McGonagall had taken her wand –never mind the fact she might need it for protection- but he certainly doesn't need to know that.

He comes in and sits down next to her, grinning.

"Mister Black," she says, stiffly.

Scoffing, he inquires, "Do you call your little sister 'Miss Evans'?"

"You won't make me ashamed for engaging in civil conventions," she retorts, hotly, feeling a sense of irritation settle in her stomach.

"Where does dissection fit in with that?"

"Tosser," she mutters.

"You wound me, Evans."

"Numerous times, in fact," she retorts.

"Go to Hogsmeade with me," he says, abruptly, making her blink in confusion.

"Er, excuse me?"

"I'm asking you on a date, Evans."

"Absolutely not," she answers, wondering how exactly he's planning to make this into a joke. "My name is Petunia, which only my friends and family call me. I'm a Muggle-born, meaning you couldn't take me home. After what you did to my sister, I certainly couldn't take you home. And I've seen you on dates with other girls. You're woefully inattentive to them. I'll only date boys who treat me like a princess; it's what I deserve."

"You're going to end up married to some old-"

"I don't recall asking your opinion, Mister Black."

"It's your loss, then," he declares, smirking.

"I'm sure I'll recover."

"I don't give a damn about blood-status," he says, "and I'd never let my family keep me from someone I thought was worth it. Parents love me. And I may not carry your purse or buy you useless little trinkets, but I'm the best snogger you'll never get to experience."

Rolling her eyes, she lets out a noise of disbelief. "You may kiss any halfway pretty girl, but I believe kissing is something special. Keep your experience, I'll wait for the right person to gain it with."

"I only kiss the beautiful ones."

"Do you want me to take you apart, again?"

"You can take me apart, anytime you want."

Naturally, the professors choose the moment she's pelting him with her heels to enter the office.

…

"Why'd I get detention," he grumps, shooting her a glare.

She waits until he's turned to nonverbally cast a silencing spell on him.

As they clean the ground where Fang had an explosive case of diarrhoea, he turns, mouth still moving, and she looks down to keep from smiling triumphantly. With any luck, it'll be several minutes before he realises he can't actually hear his own voice.

After they clean that, they start on the various cages of Hagrid's outdoor pets. "Have you ever have had a boyfriend?"

Petunia doesn't answer.

Lily is muggle, does averagely in school, and has no fashion sense, but still, boys already want to date her. Despite following the advice in various magazines, no boy has ever asked Petunia out. She may not be a beauty like Lily is, but she thinks she's fit enough, especially since she's learned how to use makeup to make her face look less angular and sharp.

"I've only had one serious girlfriend," he continues, undeterred by her tactic of pointedly ignoring him. "It turned out she only liked me for my name."

"The name that is on the top of the ministry's watchlist?"

"Yeah, that one," he answers, cheerfully. "My family's a piece of work, no secret about it. I thought this bird was different, like me. That she saw how daft blood purity and all that was. She ended up dating my little brother, the perfect son, instead."

Oddly enough, Petunia feels herself sympathising with him. She knows her parents and Lily love her, but she's never really fit in. Especially once the magic came for her and not Lily, who her parents were absolutely sure it'd happen to. Lily is effortlessly magical despite being muggle, and sometimes, Petunia worries that everything was a mistake, that the magic was meant for Lily and not her.

"Are they still together?"

"No," he answers, grinning slightly. "Our parents thought she was too low for the family, and so, he chucked her."

She can't help up smile at that. "Good." Then, realising she needs to reassert their boundaries of her despising him and him liking to irritate her, she adds, "Of course, I'd only like you for the science experiments I could perform."

"I look like those boys in the magazines you drool over."

"I don't drool," she snaps, briefly tempted to throw the red liquid she's cleaning at him. "And I know you think I'm shallow, but I'm not, Black. I just want a decent bloke who spoils me and will be a good provider for our child. I want someone whose family will like me and who my family will like.

"Well, good luck, then," he says, quietly. "For the record, I'm genuinely sorry about accidentally hexing your sister. I'd never purposely do that to a muggle, especially not a little girl."

"I know," she answers. "I accept your apology."

"But your dress robes are-"

"I made them myself," she snaps, taking a breath. "I don't care what you think."

"Oh."

They work in silence. "I'm sorry. Really. I thought they were something you'd bought because some magazine-"

"It doesn't matter what you thought. There's nothing wrong with a girl being proud of her clothes and feeling pretty and special. You shouldn't have insulted them, and you shouldn't have set off that dungbomb. Honestly, I don't know why Remus Lupin hangs around you lot."

"You fancy Remus, then?"

"Oh, please," she answers, sighing as they finally get the last cage cleaned. "He's a decent bloke, but no. Perfectly respectable but would probably make a boring boyfriend."

They get to the castle. "Well, thank you for getting me a month's worth of detention, Mister Black. Rest assured, I will be making your two weeks' worth as miserable as I possibly can."

"I'd like to see you try," he retorts.

She frowns when she notices he's still walking beside her. "Your tower is-"

"I know," he interrupts. "I just thought I'd walk you to yours."

Petunia stops and starts to say something, only for him to say, "C'mon, Evans. What if Peeves is about? If I try anything, you can take me apart, again."

Shrugging, she continues on.

Once they get there, he bows dramatically, and she tries not to smile. Maybe, she reflects, there are more than just a very few good things to be said about him, but it isn't something she'll be admitting anytime soon, and if her favourite undergarments are missing, she absolutely will be removing, at least, one vital organ, possibly more.


End file.
